“I just let go, and I feel exposed. But it’s so beautiful, because this is who I am.”
Plumb ‘Lord, I’m Ready Now’
When we begin to find our identity through our accomplishments, acceptance, and success, we automatically set ourselves up for a huge identity crises. Because in spite of our accomplishments, we will still have failures. Regardless of how many people may accept us, some will reject us. And even in the middle of huge successes, sometimes we will have shortcomings. When these things happen, we begin to realize the things we fought so hard to find a secure since of identity in, are no longer stable. And when these things begin to crumble, we begin to crumble right alongside them, loosing our identify, and loosing ourselves.
This place of loosing who you are is a disorienting place to be. When who you thought you were is stripped away from you, it leaves you broke, confused, distraught, and unsettled. We build our lives and our identities, and when we build them on the wrong things, security is no longer guaranteed.
I only speak these words from my personal experience. God has currently revealed to me the rocky foundation in which I have built my security upon. That foundation relies heavily on what others think of me based on my accomplishments, acceptance, and my successes, or even worst, what I fear they think of me. And when I fear they don’t like or approve of me, I find it hard to like or approve of myself.
Because of this rocky foundation, I’ve felt this tearing down of self. I’ve felt what its like to have everything seem to slip through your hands. I’ve felt what its like to fight so hard to reach for something just out of your reach.
God has begun to rip away these sources where I have been seeking false security in. It’s as though God is unraveling me, thread by thread, false security, by false security. These threads are the foundation in which my identity has been found for so long, and now, they are being taken from me.
Then, in the unraveling, God begins reconstruction.
As God is tearing away all these things, He is giving me the means to built a new since of security on a solid foundation, Him.
I recently had a week where an accumulation of the past couple of years, and all the spiritual and emotional challenges they held, met together in a time of complete isolation with the Lord that has begun to release this new restoration into my life.
It was in these moments of isolation and complete brokenness that God revealed to me why He was stripping so much from my life. He revealed to me how much I drew on these things for the identity and security only He can give me.
During this time of brokenness with the Lord I sang a song at a school service that says, “You split the sea so I could walk right through it, and all my fears were drown in perfect love.” As I sang this line, I can remember surrendering to God. It was not a matter of surrendering something to Him, I had nothing at that point, it was accepting His will for me, whatever that was, regardless of the deep fear inside my soul. I realized in that moment, the enormity of the sacrifice God gave so I could be secure in my identity, and it was in no way dependent on anyone or anything but Him. In that moment, I decided I would be ok without all the things my heart longed for, the things that I felt insecure and lacking without. I would choose to be ok with only Him, because I knew I would be.
The most amazing thing happened as I did this. The Lord rapidly began giving to me the things He had previously stripped away from me. But things were different now.
I now knew these things did not define me. God had already begun to show me how only He can define me. I could now enjoy these things for what they were, beauty and grace and blessings from the hand of God, not sources for identity and security. This means I am no longer dependent on them. I rejoice that they are in my life, but I no longer have to fight to keep them, or fear their absence.
It is the most liberating experience in the world to not be dependent on anyone or anything to define who you are…. We are children of God. Nothing in this world can change that… and that’s all the security we need.